Cynical

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It has now been over four years since my divorce. A lot has happened. And a lot hasn’t happened. I am largely healed from the wounds inflicted upon me, though I am still ambushed by grief (a term only those who have gone through an unwanted divorce truly understand) more often than I’d like. And I am far from over grieving the loss of regular contact with my young children and the dreams that I had decades ago cemented in my mind about how I’d raise them. But perhaps the most disturbing thing that has happened to me is that I’ve become cynical regarding marriage.

I was always a naturally trusting person. I was never outgoing, so it took me a while to get to know someone. But as soon as I did, I tended to be far more open than most. And in large part, I have retained this. My friend base has grown considerably since my divorce, and more importantly, the depth of my friendships has grown. But whenever I see or hear of a young couple getting married, all I can think is that there’s a very good chance that it’ll end in failure. In fact, I would be hard-pressed to recommend that any follower of Christ get married, at least if the intention is to start a family. As much as I understand the importance of a promise and do my best to keep my commitments, I know now that a promise is nothing more than words. Even a promise before God.

I don’t distrust all people, and I don’t even distrust all women. But unless the Lord intervenes, I will never again be able to trust someone with my life. Only God is trustworthly. “God is not a man, that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?” (Number 23:19) I’m not saying that all marriages will fail. But God is the only one you can truly count on. And God is the only one worth giving your life to.

I pray that God has someone else for me, for living the rest of my life alone is not my desire. But if that’s the case, the Spirit has got a lot of work to do yet. Who am I kidding? The Spirit has a lot of work left anyway.

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